Hard Conversations

How my daughter's bravery around hard conversations proves that generational cycles can be broken.

Lately I have been heading to Starbucks before my appointment with my amazing therapist to get each of us a latte. Of course she never asked me to do this, but it brings me such joy. She has given me so much that I should be bringing her a new car each week.

One of her magical powers is encouraging me to have hard conversations. This is how it will go. I will complain about something. She will say, you should talk to them (your husband, your kid, your friend, your client) about it. I will say, ugh, no way, I can’t do that. My hands will get clammy.

We imagine together how that conversation will go. I practice expressing what’s bothering me and how to communicate it. But throughout these “practice runs” I’m saying to myself “ok maybe one day, but I am not having this conversation any time soon.”

And… invariably, maybe even during the week between our sessions, I will have the conversation. And, as a consequence, my relationship with that person will become more honest, more vulnerable and will move forward.

I was not raised with this skill. There are so many people in my extended family not talking to each other that it is almost funny, if it wasn’t so sad. I don’t blame them, having difficult conversations is HARD. And these conversations can go wrong for sure. I avoided difficult conversations for the first 25 years of my life, but slowly, I pushed myself to engage in them in order to grow my relationships along with my own commitment to myself. And my weekly therapy appointments keep me on track and keep me honest with myself and others. 

Earlier this year, my daughter had to have a difficult conversation when she was away at college. I got sweaty palms for her. When I checked in with her after the conversation, she told me that it went great. She informed me she is really good at conflict resolution. Wow! I can’t imagine myself ever having that confidence – especially not at 22 years of age. Witnessing my daughters skillset made me realize the importance of breaking generational cycles. I like to think that my doing the work, weekly with my therapist, and pushing myself to learn something new, paved the way for my daughter to do things differently. She is not afraid to have hard conversations and her life and her relationships will be better for it.

Is there a generational cycle you have been working to break? What are some of the ways you are working on yourself to break the cycle? How do your kids amaze you with ways they can do things you have struggled with yourself?

Scroll down to read more about:

-Discussions to Have with Your Elderly Parents

-Where is My Rest Badge? What our Devices Still Can’t Recognize

-Your 2023 Guide to the Most Common Interview Questions and Answers

-Somewhere in Queens - the movie

-SOMA Body Liberation Hiking Group

And then Scroll all the way to the bottom to see What I Am Reading Now.

Discussions to Have with Elderly Parents Before it is Too Late

This article was written by my husband Gideon TJ Alpert. He is a Trust and Estate attorney and this article lays out the conversations you need to have with your parents about legal, financial and health matters and more. This article provides a roadmap to make these conversation a little easier.

Where's My Rest Badge? What Our Devices Still Can't Recognize

Anne Helen Petersen

Do you want to know what is valued in our society? Take a look at what our watch measures vs. what it ignores (or devalues?). This article is GOLD. Read the whole thing, I promise you will get something out of it. This was my favorite paragraph: “Give me dynamism! Give me glorious failure! Give me subdued lateral movement! What about the hard work of showing up for the same volunteer shift every week for years on end? Of building or rebuilding a friendship? Of quitting a high-paying dream job that made you miserable? Of reading so deeply you entered a flow state not dissimilar to what happens during endurance exercise? What if you want to be ambitious in the care you provide others? What badge do you get for that?”

Your 2023 Guide to the Most Common Interview Questions and Answers

I love this article because it is a perfect way to structure your job search. Preparing to answer the questions they provide is a great way to think through what you want from a job, what you like to do, why you are applying to the companies you have chosen. I especially appreciate question number 2 “walk me through your resume”. I always encourage my clients to be prepared to tell a story about each item on their resume. If you don’t have anything interesting to say about a line item, I would encourage you to leave it off. All resume bullet points should translate into a story—even if it is a short one. Use this list to get you into the right frame of mind as you launch your job search. Check out the article by The Muse here.

Somewhere in Queens - Movie

My husband and I stumbled upon this movie with Ray Romano and Laurie Metcalf the other night and were pleasantly surprised. The movie highlights the complexity of parenting young adults. How do we know how much to “help”. When do we intervene? When do you stand back even though things are tough. I haven’t seen a movie that tackles this issue with as much compassion and nuance as this movie. For parents of teens and young adults, this is a worthwhile watch.

SOMA Body Liberation Hike

Do you live in the South Orange/Maplewood NJ area? Come join the Body Liberation Hiking group for a hike on Sun, Aug. 13th from 9:00 - 10:30am at Tulip Springs in the South Mountain Reservation.

We are a small group of local people who together are healing from the harmful grips of diet culture, intentional weight loss and weight stigma. This hike aims to be a safe space, one that is free of anti-fat bias and where all bodies and genders are welcome and celebrated! Bring a friend or come by yourself! Our link has been temperamental, if it does not work for you and you are interested in joining, email me at amyalpertlifecoach@gmail.com.

PS: There are Body Liberation Hiking groups throughout the US, if you like this concept but do not live near Maplewood/South Orange, email me and we can find a group for you!

After Tova Sullivan's husband died, she began working the night shift at the Sowell Bay Aquarium, mopping floors and tidying up. Keeping busy has always helped her cope, which she's been doing since her eighteen-year-old son, Erik, mysteriously vanished on a boat in Puget Sound over thirty years ago.

Tova becomes acquainted with curmudgeonly Marcellus, a giant Pacific octopus living at the aquarium. Marcellus knows more than anyone can imagine but wouldn't dream of lifting one of his eight arms for his human captors--until he forms a remarkable friendship with Tova.

Ever the detective, Marcellus deduces what happened the night Tova's son disappeared. And now Marcellus must use every trick his old invertebrate body can muster to unearth the truth for her before it's too late.

Shelby Van Pelt's debut novel is a gentle reminder that sometimes taking a hard look at the past can help uncover a future that once felt impossible.Thank you for reading Toward a Fulfilling Life. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Photo of the Starbucks cups above taken by Takahiro Sakamoto on Unsplash